Are You Using 'Controlling' or 'Guidance' Discipline Approach?

We talk about discipline in school, at work, in the public and even at home.
Discipline comes with rules; man-made rules.
Rule 1 may work on group A but not group B, and vice versa.

"How do we know which set of rules are indeed workable, for which group and when do we start implementing them?"

Another thought:
"Do you think disciplining adults is easier than disciplining children?"

We talk about the first few years of child being the most critical period, as it is during this period that they develop their skills and behavorial traits.

Considering a child at a young age is out of control; who regards every of his wrongdoings as right (from the beginning). Can we hope to re-mould his mindset at a later stage? Or could we have avoided such wrongdoings if we had discipline him from the very beginning?

There are two styles of discipline imposed by adults (on children):

1. 'Controlling' style (control from the outside) - uses rewards and punishments; the notion of of rewarding 'good'behaviour and punishing 'undesirable' actions. This is so widely endorsed that most of us regard it as common sense.

2. 'Guidance' approach (control from the inside) - aims to teach and guide children so that they learn to direct their own actions.

Locus of Control
The 'controlling' style of discipline believes that we make others repeat a behaviour of which we approve by administering a reward ('special' treats) and correspondingly we decrease the likelihood that others will repeat a behaviour of which we disapprove by punishing them (verballing, or spanking). This approach reminds us that adults work for a salary - that is, a reward - and would cease to work if they did not get paid. 'Reward the good and punish the bad' is based on the view that individuals' behaviour is controlled from outside themselves.

In contrast, the 'guidance' approach believes that individuals make decisions about their behavior based on their own, internal, needs. Meaning although aware of the regime of rewards and punishment that is in place, individuals will use this knowledge as information only. Ultimately they will make up their own minds about whether to abide by or defy that system, depending on whether the behaviours they are comtemplating meet their emotional needs. Take for example, volunteers who give their time for no monetary reward at all.

Externally-applied rewards and punishments are virtually irrelevant, as all they provide is information: they do not determine our behaviour.

Goals of Discipline
A second difference between the controlling and guidance approaches is their aims.

The controlling approach aims to teach children to comply with adult directives and, indeed, use terms such as 'non-compliance' or 'naughty' to describe behavioural difficulties.

The guidance approach aims to teach thoughful behaviour, which comprises:-

• developing in children a sense of right and wrong so that they act considerately, not because they might be punished for doing otherwise, but because it is the right thing to do;
• teaching children to regulate their emotions so that their outbursts do not disturb those around them, but more importantly, so that they themselves learn to cope with setbacks in life;
• teaching children to cooperate so that all can have their needs met;
• giving children a sense of potency - that is, a sense that they can make a difference to themselves and their world, can control their own actions and feelings, and can act on their values.

Rewards and punishments concentrate children's minds on what will happen to them if they exhibit a particular behaviour, whereas the goal of teaching children considerateness requires instead that they learn to think of others.

Disadvantages of Rewards:-

1. Detrimental effects on children's self-esteem - children will not feel accepted because they know they are being judged. Rewards teach children that other people's opinions of them are more important than their own, which can stifle self-reliance.

2. Rewards can impede learning - causing children to develop external rather intrinsic motivation. Children who strive for rewards might engage in 'adult-watching' to assess whether adults approve of them, which will distract them from focusing on their own learning. Rewarded children might strive to please and fear making mistakes, and so avoid being creative and adventurous.

3. Rewards can provoke disruptive behaviour - Discouragement about being unable to meet unrealistic expectations can cause some childrento behave disruptively.

4. Rewards can be unfair - While some children 'pull' praise from adults, other do not and so receive less praise than they deserve. Rewards increases competition between children as they try to earn the limited number of rewards that are available and, in the process, deprive others of these.

Disadvantages of Punishments:-

To punish children for making natural childhood mistakes would be to punish them for being children.

1. Limited effectiveness - Aversive consequences can increase undesirable behaviour. Children learn to behave wel only to avoid punishment, rather than developing a 'conscience'.

2. Detrimental effects on recipients - Punishments produces negative emotional side-effects, including low self-esteem. Children learn to avoid punishment situations, either by withdrawing or by becoming submissive. Punishment can cause on-lookers to define a punished child as 'naughty' and, as a result, exclude him or her from their friendship group.

3. Effects on administrators and society - Punishment can become addictive and can escalate into abuse. It damages relationships, making children less likely in future to want to please adults who use it.

How then can we guide our children?
In order to teach children to consider others, we:

1. need to be sensitive to their needs, to tuned in to children's emotions and detecting accurately what is troubling them.

2. do not judge or label them, but we can say when we appreciate their considerate behaviour.

3. establish guidelines, not rules.

4. regard behavioural mistakes as natural - most thoughtless behaviour comes about because learning to behave considerately is a developmental task; just as children need to learn how to walk, so too they need to learn how to be considerate.

5. resolve problems through communication - look for a solution rather than the culprit. Solving the problem will involve listening, being assertive, and using collaborative problem-solving skills.

6. Teach self-control - most children know how they should be acting but temporarily are overwhelmed by their feelings and cannot act on that information (at that point of time).

To end this topic, I asked all parents to sit back and consider if the method we have been using all this while is right. If not, let's learn together and give our children the proper guidance which is necessary in making them a better person for our tomorrow.